New story!  Once upon a time there was a Hungarian knight named Sir Urre, who fought with a Spanish knight named Sir Alphegus, at Alphegus’s father’s tournament.  Urre killed Alphegus, but Alphegus had a death-curse, on account of his mother was a sorceress.  As he died, Alphegus inflicted seven great wounds, three on the head and four on his body and left hand onto Urre.  These wounds wouldn’t heal, on account of magic, until they were touched by the best knight of the world.

Urre, with his mother and his sister Felelolie (whose name looks like a typo) criss-crossed all of Europe, looking for a magic cure for Urre’s magic unhealing wounds.  What with one thing and another, one Pentecost they arrive at Camelot.  Arthur hears their story, and agrees to attempt to heal Urre’s wounds, and instructs all of his knights to likewise try, assuming he fails.

“Don’t think, that if I fail to heal him, and then you heal him, don’t think I’m going to be mad.  Way back in Book II we had a situation kind of like this, and I’ll say again what I said then: may the best knight come forward and do his duty!”

Malory explains that of the hundred and fifty spots at the Round Table, forty of them are either unoccupied at the moment or else those knights are absent; at Camelot at this time are one hundred and ten knights.  Malory then proceeds to list them off, which normally I would skip over but this list is just a thing of beauty guys.

LIST OF KNIGHTS WHO TRY AND FAIL TO HEAL SIR URRE’S WOUNDS WITH A TOUCH

1) King Arthur (actually, the wounds do close, but then several of them reopen)

2) King Clarence of Northumberland, longtime enemy of Arthur

3) Mister 100, the Great Welsh Hope

4) King Uriens of Gore, Arthur’s favorite brother-in-law

5) King Anguish of Ireland, father of the lovely Isoud

6) King Nentres, Arthur’s other brother-in-law

7) Old King Carados, another longtime rival

8) Duke “the Other Galahad” Galahad, not to be mistaken for Sir Galahad the Mary Sue

9) Sir Constantine of Cornwall, Arthur’s acting king back when Arthur was busy invading Italy

10) the Duke of Clarance, nothing special about him

11) Earl Ulbause, ditto

12) Earl Lambaile, ditto

13) Earl Aristause, ditto

14) Sir Gawaine, Arthur’s nephew

15) Sir Gingalin (Gawaine’s eldest son)

16) Sir Florence (Gawaine’s middle son, different mother than Gingalin)

17) Sir Lovel (Gawaine’s youngest son, Florence’s brother)

18) Sir Agravaine, Gawaine’s brother

19) Sir Gaheris, Gawaine’s brother

20) Sir Mordred, Gawaine’s half-brother and Arthur’s son

21) Sir Gareth, aka Prettyboy

22) Sir Lionel, Launcelot’s nephew

23) Sir Ector the Lesser, Lionel’s brother

24) Sir Bors, Lionel’s other brother

25) Sir Blamore, both Bors’s and Launcelot’s cousin

26) Sir Bleoberis, Blamore’s brother

27) Sir Gahalantine, from Benwick

28) Sir Galihodin, also from Benwick

29) Sir Menaduke, also from Benwick

30) Sir Villiars the Valiant, also from Benwick

31) Sir “Famous” Hebes, former courier

32) Sir Sagramore the Lusty

33) Sir Dodinas the Thug

34) Sir Dinadan, Tristram’s ex-sidekick

35) Sir Bruneor, the Knight in an Ill-Fitting Suit

36) Sir Kay, Arthur’s brother

37) Sir “Stranger” Kay, no relation

38) Sir Meliot, Nimue’s cousin

39) Sir Petipase of Winchelsea

40) Sir Galleron of Galway

41) Sir Melion of the Mountain

42) Sir Cardok