New story! Once upon a time there was a Hungarian knight named Sir Urre, who fought with a Spanish knight named Sir Alphegus, at Alphegus’s father’s tournament. Urre killed Alphegus, but Alphegus had a death-curse, on account of his mother was a sorceress. As he died, Alphegus inflicted seven great wounds, three on the head and four on his body and left hand onto Urre. These wounds wouldn’t heal, on account of magic, until they were touched by the best knight of the world.

Urre, with his mother and his sister Felelolie (whose name looks like a typo) criss-crossed all of Europe, looking for a magic cure for Urre’s magic unhealing wounds. What with one thing and another, one Pentecost they arrived at Camelot. Arthur heard their story, and agreed to attempt to heal Urre’s wounds. As per his usual method, he instructed all of his knights to likewise try, if he failed.

“Don’t think, that if I fail to heal him, and then you heal him, don’t think I’m going to be mad. Way back in Book II we had a situation kind of like this, and I’ll say again what I said then: may the best knight come forward and do his duty!”

Malory explains that of the hundred and fifty spots at the Round Table, forty of them were either unoccupied at the moment or else those knights were absent; at Camelot at this time were one hundred and ten knights. Malory then proceeds to list them off, which normally I would skip over but this list is just a thing of beauty guys.

LIST OF KNIGHTS WHO TRY AND FAIL TO HEAL SIR URRE’S WOUNDS WITH A TOUCH

1. King Arthur (actually, the wounds do close, but then several of them reopen)
2. King Clarence of Northumberland, longtime enemy of Arthur
3. Mister 100, the Great Welsh Hope
4. King Uriens of Gore, Arthur’s favorite brother-in-law
5. King Anguish of Ireland, father of the lovely Isoud
6. King Nentres, Arthur’s other brother-in-law
7. Old King Carados, another longtime rival
8. Duke “the Other Galahad” Galahad, not to be mistaken for Sir Galahad the Mary Sue
9. Sir Constantine of Cornwall, Arthur’s acting king back when Arthur was busy invading Italy
10. the Duke of Clarance, nothing special about him
11. Earl Ulbause, ditto
12. Earl Lambaile, ditto
13. Earl Aristause, ditto
14. Sir Gawaine, Arthur’s nephew
15. Sir Gingalin (Gawaine’s eldest son)
16. Sir Florence (Gawaine’s middle son, different mother than Gingalin)
17. Sir Lovel (Gawaine’s youngest son, Florence’s brother)
18. Sir Agravaine, Gawaine’s brother
19. Sir Gaheris, Gawaine’s brother
20. Sir Mordred, Gawaine’s half-brother and Arthur’s son
21. Sir Gareth, aka Prettyboy
22. Sir Lionel, Launcelot’s nephew
23. Sir Ector the Lesser, Lionel’s brother
24. Sir Bors, Lionel’s other brother
25. Sir Blamore, both Bors’s and Launcelot’s cousin
26. Sir Bleoberis, Blamore’s brother
27. Sir Gahalantine, from Benwick
28. Sir Galihodin, also from Benwick
29. Sir Menaduke, also from Benwick
30. Sir Villiars the Valiant, also from Benwick
31. Sir “Famous” Hebes, former courier
32. Sir Sagramour the Lusty
33. Sir Dodinas the Thug
34. Sir Dinadan, Tristram’s ex-sidekick, although supposedly it was at about this point that Mordred and Agravaine were supposed to have murdered him, according to Malory back in Book X.
35. Sir Breunor, the Knight in an Ill-Fitting Suit
36. Sir Kay, Arthur’s brother
37. Sir “Stranger” Kay, no relation
38. Sir Meliot, Nimue’s cousin
39. Sir Petipase of Winchelsea
40. Sir Galleron of Galway
41. Sir Melion of the Mountain
42. Sir Cardok
43. Sir “Good Uwaine” Uwaine, the late Sir Uwaine’s half-brother with the same name
44. Sir “Big Heart” Ozanna
45. Sir Astamor
46. Sir Gromere Grummorson
47. Sir Crosshelm
48. Sir Servause the Bruce, who one time had dinner just him and Nimue and Sir Launcelot, and you just know he never shuts up about it
49. Sir Aglovale, Percivale’s less accomplished brother
50. Sir Durnore, Percivale’s least accomplished brother
51. Sir Tor, Percivale’s most accomplished brother after the late Sir Lamorak
52. Sir Griftlet the Caterer
53. Sir Lucan the Other Caterer
54. Sir Bedivere, who was Lucan’s brother I bet you didn’t know
55. Sir Brandiles, Yet Another Caterer, who always manages to edge his way into the group photos
56. Sir Constantine, did I mention him? I did, he was number nine. Well, he bears repeating. Same guy.
57. Sir Clegis
58. Sir Sadok, the Vulcan
59. Sir Dinas, Mark’s reluctant seneschal, from Cornwall
60. Sir Fergus, Tristram’s sidekick
61. Sir Driant, also from Cornwall
62. Sir Lambegus, Tristram’s other sidekick
63. Sir Clarrus of Cleremont
64. Sir Cloddrus
65. Sir Hectimere
66. Sir Edward of Carnavon
67. Sir Dinas, but not the same Sir Dinas as number 59 above; this one is Sir Edward’s brother, also of Carnavon
68. Sir Priamus, the one that Gawaine converted to Christianity in Book V, or was it Tristram, Malory forgets; also he’s related to Edward and Dinas too, even though he’s Italian and a former Muslim and not from Carnavon at all.
69. Sir Hellaine le Blank, Sir Bor’s son (or daughter) by Princess King-Brandegore’s-Daughter
70. Sir Brian de Listinoise
71. Sir Gautere, from Book VI
72. Sir Reynold, also from Book VI
73. Sir Gillemere, also from Book VI, you remember, Launcelot beat them up while disguised as Kay
74. Sir “Little” Guyart
75. Sir Bellangere le Beuse, and oh, that reminds Malory of a story: this guy Bellangere is the son of Sir Alisander, whose tale Malory recounted in a flash-forward. Now Malory explains that Alisander was killed by King Mark, around the same time that King Mark murdered Sir Tristram, which, didn’t Malory mention that happened? Anyway. Mark killed Alisander, Mark killed Tristram, the lovely Isoud cried, Bellangre killed Mark and also Sir Andred, that little shit.
76. Sir “Not so Famous” Hebes
77. Sir Morganore
78. Sir Sentraile, from Britannia
79. Sir Suppinabilis
80. Sir Bellangere the Proud, not the same guy as Bellangere le Beuse
81. Sir Neroveus
82. Sir Plenorius
83. Sir Darras
84. Sir Harry of Spaniel Lake
85. Sir Erminide, the brother of King Hermance, whom you might remember from Palomides’s little side-adventure late in Book X
86. Sir Selises of the Dolorous Tower
87. Sir Edward of Orkney
88. The Other Red Knight
89. Sir Arrok de Grevaunt
90. Sir Degrane Saunce Velany, he’s got this whole other story that Malory sadly doesn’t have time to go into
91. Sir Epinogris
92. Sir Pellas the Good, Nimue’s husband
93. Sir Lamiel of Cardiff who’s great in bed
94. Sir Plaine de Fors
95. Sir Melleaus de Lile
96. Sir “Strong Heart” Bohart aka Borre who was another one of Arthur’s illegitimate children by Lionors the Forest Treasure
97. Sir Mador de la Porte who accused Guenever earlier
98. Sir Colgrevance who Sir Lionel definitely killed so I don’t know what’s up with that
99. Sir Hervis of the Thuggish Woods
100. Sir Marrok, another great story Malory doesn’t have time for, he was a werewolf
101. The Indigo Knight
102. The Green Knight
103. The Red Knight (not to be confused with the Other Red Knight, who got listed first for some reason)

“All these hundred knights and ten searched Sir Urre’s wounds by the commandment of King Arthur,” says Malory.

“Dude!” says I. “It was only a hundred and three, and also you counted a few of them twice, and also at least one of them was dead.”

“I said a hundred and ten knights and I stand by that claim!”

You might have noticed one name not on that list: Sir Launcelot! He was out on an unspecified strange adventure, and didn’t return until after every other knight had tried and failed to magically heal Sir Urre. (Personally, I would have guessed that Sir Bors could do it; after the Grail quest he’s been suggested to have magical powers.)

After hearing the story, Sir Launcelot didn’t want to try to heal Urre because so many others had failed and Launcelot was so humble. Arthur commanded him to try, same as everyone else. Launcelot healed Urre through the power of prayer and also laying of hands. Everyone celebrated, and there was a big jousting tournament, because that’s how you celebrate. Urre and Lavaine won, and then Lavaine married Urre’s sister Felelolie. (JOUSTING TOURNAMENT 37!)

As we fade to black, the camera lingers on Sir Agravaine, glaring at Guenever and Launcelot sitting a little too close together. Also, at Nimue’s urging, Sir Pellas announced his immediate retirement from the Round Table. He and Nimue planned to retire together; they wanted someplace nice and quiet compared to how Camelot was about to be. Israel, maybe.

There’s a whole long series of strange adventures that Sir Launcelot does in between scenes here in Book XIX, says Malory, but if you want to read about them you can just read Christian de Troyes, same as he did before he lost his notes. Now Malory wants to start the big finish: the DEATH OF ARTHUR!